I hesitate to be honest about my current reality because the last time I was honest about navigating business struggles a former spiritual direction client emailed me and said she prayed about it and wants nothing to do with me moving forward.

But here it is:

This morning I undid a lot of things I had done for our Birmingham Retreat Room Launch. I put away serving platters and crackers and plates and napkins. I texted and emailed friends and colleagues and even some of our brand new neighbors (some of our brand new neighbors were coming!) to let them know the party is canceled due to an injury my daughter had last night.

We think she’ll be fine, and I probably could’ve pulled it all off—the party and caring for my daughter and giving my attention to my guests and letting all of it be real and true at the same time. There will be times when I choose to pull it off. But not today.

I was so excited to have Dryft here with their coffee station set up at the kitchen island. The dining table was going to be full of charcuterie with plenty of gluten free, vegetarian, and vegan options. The desserts would be on the counter featuring my favorite cookies from Church Street Coffee & Books.

The twinkle lights would be twinkling on the back porch and front patio. The gas logs would be burning. I’d open the back door if it got too hot with all those people and the fire.

My new Retreat candles that I designed and formulated with the help of Jordan from Village Apothecary would be burning everywhere. I’d show everyone my beautiful Retreat Room and tell them about the books and notebooks and journals and pencils and pens that I chose to sell during this very first pop-up bookshop.

My Christmas tree would be decorated with all of the bookish decorations I was supposed to work on last night and this morning.

But none of that will happen today or tonight. I am planning to reschedule the Birmingham Retreat Room Launch and party, but it will have to be after the first of the year. These next few weeks are just so busy for everyone.

I will have the online Retreat Room Launch today at 4 p.m. CT with a tour and announcements about some absolutely fantastic plans for 2024. I will tell those who attend about a few of my current book picks. This afternoon I will do online some of what I was going to do offline tonight.

I’ll be honest. I’m fighting back some shame because I chose to not hustle all day to do the things I needed and wanted to do to make this celebration all I imagined it to be. But I want to make sure my daughter has what she needs. And I want to make sure I have what I need.

I also feel shame at times when I change my mind about my business offerings or cancel an event or take some other action that I need to take because I don’t have a huge capacity for all that life holds. I keep a lot of blank space in my mind, heart, soul, calendar, and home. But even though I’m like the least busy person I know, sometimes I need more blank space. I need to sit in my car in the Whole Foods parking lot while my husband accompanies my daughter to her Urgent Care appointment. I need to write it out and name the things I’m choosing to lose and name the things I want to gain.

Since last night I’ve been thinking a lot about what I can do on my end to be better positioned to pull off an event in our home even if I’m interrupted by something big or something not so big. I have a lot of really good ideas for some things I can implement, some things I can do ahead of time. I’m being curious and asking questions and taking notes.

I’m navigating the shame and disappointment but I’m also full of hope. I’m going to let these things—the shame, disappointment, and hope—be real and true at the same time.

Charlotte Donlon helps her readers and clients notice how they belong to themselves, others, God, and the world. Charlotte is a writer, a spiritual director, and the founder of Thoughtful Books Etc.™, Spiritual Direction for Writers®, Spiritual Direction for Belonging™, and Parenting with Art™. Her essays have appeared in The Washington Post, The Curator, The Christian Century, Christianity Today, Catapult, The Millions, Mockingbird, and elsewhere. Her first book is The Great Belonging: How Loneliness Leads Us to Each Other. She’s currently writing her next book, Spiritual Direction for Writers, which will be published by Eerdmans in 2024.